When Motherhood is Too Much
I am crying. Sobbing. Literally, the tears are rolling down my cheeks as I write these words.
It is hard to see the computer screen through the tears and I am making the most unattractive noises as I try to breathe through a stuffy, snotty nose. My black winged eyeliner I spent so much time perfecting this morning has no doubt, by now, turned into a murky waterfall cascading over my flushed cheeks.
I am anything but presentable right now. But this is raw and real. This is motherhood....at it's not so finest.
If you were to look on my Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter account, the person you would find--the person I want you to know-- is no doubt an amazing and beautiful mom. She cooks healthy meals for her family, works out every day with a smile on her face, and loves her husband and son more ferociously than she loves herself.
That me does exist. Some days. But I would be a liar if I said that she was around all of the time.
Today was a "Bad Mom" day. So bad, in fact, that my husband came home to find me crying over our bowl of spaghetti as I was setting the table for dinner.
It was one of those days where everything and everyone was sent to test my patience. Whether it was the spilled protein shake all over my freshly shampooed carpet, the mountain of laundry that had yet to be folded, or the five--yes, five-- pee puddles I discovered throughout the house from my newly potty trained toddler, my day has been anything but peaceful.
But what got to me the most was not the mess in all the chaos. That I am very well used to. Rather, it was my reaction to it all. Because today I really lost my sh**.
I became the mom the childless, naive me always promised herself she wouldn't. I lost my temper. I yelled at my son for not listening to me and using the potty chair. I yelled at the dog for getting on the couch. I even yelled at myself for being so unreasonable. In the end, I broke down and began relentlessly screaming into a pillow. Heck, I may have even punched that pillow (which my son found hilarious, by the way). Whichever way I look at it, there is no denying....I threw a mommy temper tantrum.
Looking back at my working mom days, I don't remember having a day like this. Perhaps it was because my son was so much younger. Or, more likely, it was because I had the stresses of work to compare to my stresses at home. I would always take a bad day at home over a bad day at work.
Let's call it the curse of the stay-at-home mommy. Simply combine the joy of constantly being around your little one with the agony of constantly being around your little one, sprinkle in a dash of guilt for not going to work and a pinch of relief for being able to stay in your pajamas all day--Walla! You have the perfect recipe for a total mommy meltdown.
Today, motherhood was just too much for me. Tomorrow may be a little better. But I am going to try to go to sleep tonight and put away the guilt that I am now feeling for my clear overreaction. I have so much to be grateful for. Particularly my husband who is currently putting our son to bed while I write out my feelings in this post.
I know I am not alone, which is why I am writing. This is for all you mamas who have just had too much. I see you. I feel you. I believe that you will make it through this just like I will.
So go ahead and post that perfect picture of you on Instagram. Let us see that Facebook video of your darling child happily eating his fresh, organic breakfast while reciting his alphabet in English and Spanish. Make sure all of us other mamas do whatever we can to make you feel your absolute best because we know what it is like to feel your absolute worst.
And, if you ever need a reminder that every mom has a bad day, look no further than this post here. And be sure to feel a heck of a lot better about yourself because, right now, I look like this. And that's okay.
You've got this mama.