When Motherhood is Too Much
I am crying.
Sobbing. Literally, the tears are rolling so hard down my cheeks as I write
these words, I can barely see the computer screen.
And my black
winged eyeliner that I spent so much time perfecting this morning? Yeah, it has
now turned into a murky waterfall cascading over my very flushed cheeks.
I am anything
but presentable right now, but this is raw and real. This is motherhood....at
it's not so finest.
If you were to
look on my Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter account, the person you would see--the
person I want you to see--is no doubt an amazing and beautiful mom. She
cooks healthy meals for her family, works out every day with a smile on her
face, and loves her husband and son more ferociously than she loves herself.
That me does
exist. Most days. But I would be a liar if I said that she was around all of
the time.
Today was a
"Bad Mom" day. So bad, in fact, that my husband came home to find me
crying over a big bowl of spaghetti in my attempt to set the table for dinner.
Today was one
of those days where everything and everyone was sent to test my patience.
Whether it was
the spilled protein shake all over my freshly shampooed carpet, the mountain of
laundry that had yet to be folded, or the five--yes, five-- pee puddles I discovered throughout the house from my newly
potty trained toddler, my day has been anything but peaceful.
However, what
got to me the most was not the mess in all the chaos. That I am very well used
to. Rather, it was my reaction to it all. Because today I really lost my
bleep!
I was the mom
the childless, naive me always promised herself she would never become. I lost
my temper and I yelled…a lot.
I yelled at my
son for having accident after accident. I yelled at my dog for getting on the
couch. At one point, I even yelled at myself for being so darn unreasonable. In
the end, I broke down and began relentlessly screaming into a pillow.
Whichever way
I look at it, there is no denying this one fact: I threw a mommy temper
tantrum.
Looking back
on my life as a working mom, I don't remember having a day like this. Perhaps
it was because my son was so much younger, or--more likely--it was because I
had the stresses of work to compare to my stresses at home. I would always take
a bad day at home over a bad day at work.
Let's call it
the Curse of the Stay-at-Home Mama. Simply combine the joy of always being
around your little one with the strain of always being around your little one,
sprinkle in a dash of guilt for not going to work, and a pinch of relief for
being able to stay in your pajamas all day, and--Walla! You have the perfect
recipe for a total mommy meltdown.
Today, motherhood
was just too much for me. Tomorrow may be a little better. But I am going to
try to go to sleep tonight and put away the guilt because I know that I am not
alone in this place.
This is for
all you mamas out there who have just had too much of this motherhood business.
I see you. I feel you. I believe that you will make it through this just like I
will.
So go ahead
and post that perfect picture on Instagram. Let us see that Facebook video of
your darling child happily eating his fresh, organic breakfast while reciting
his alphabet in English and Spanish. And please, make sure all of us
other mamas do whatever we can to make you feel your absolute best! If only
because we know what it is like to feel your absolute worst.
You've got
this mama.
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