I am crying. Sobbing. Literally, the tears are rolling so hard down my cheeks as I write these words, I can barely see the computer screen.
And my black winged eyeliner that I spent so much time perfecting this morning? Yeah, it has now turned into a murky waterfall cascading over my very flushed cheeks.
I am anything but presentable right now, but this is raw and real. This is motherhood....at it's not so finest.
If you were to look on my Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter account, the person you would see--the person I want you to see--is no doubt an amazing and beautiful mom. She cooks healthy meals for her family, works out every day with a smile on her face, and loves her husband and son more ferociously than she loves herself.
That me does exist. Most days. But I would be a liar if I said that she was around all of the time.
Today was a "Bad Mom" day. So bad, in fact, that my husband came home to find me crying over a big bowl of spaghetti in my attempt to set the table for dinner.
Today was one of those days where everything and everyone was sent to test my patience.
Whether it was the spilled protein shake all over my freshly shampooed carpet, the mountain of laundry that had yet to be folded, or the five--yes, five-- pee puddles I discovered throughout the house from my newly potty trained toddler, my day has been anything but peaceful.
However, what got to me the most was not the mess in all the chaos. That I am very well used to. Rather, it was my reaction to it all. Because today I really lost my bleep!
I was the mom the childless, naive me always promised herself she would never become. I lost my temper and I yelled…a lot.
I yelled at my son for having accident after accident. I yelled at my dog for getting on the couch. At one point, I even yelled at myself for being so darn unreasonable. In the end, I broke down and began relentlessly screaming into a pillow.
Whichever way I look at it, there is no denying this one fact: I threw a mommy temper tantrum.
Looking back on my life as a working mom, I don't remember having a day like this. Perhaps it was because my son was so much younger, or--more likely--it was because I had the stresses of work to compare to my stresses at home. I would always take a bad day at home over a bad day at work.
Let's call it the Curse of the Stay-at-Home Mama. Simply combine the joy of always being around your little one with the strain of always being around your little one, sprinkle in a dash of guilt for not going to work, and a pinch of relief for being able to stay in your pajamas all day, and--Walla! You have the perfect recipe for a total mommy meltdown.
Today, motherhood was just too much for me. Tomorrow may be a little better. But I am going to try to go to sleep tonight and put away the guilt because I know that I am not alone in this place.
This is for all you mamas out there who have just had too much of this motherhood business. I see you. I feel you. I believe that you will make it through this just like I will.
So go ahead and post that perfect picture on Instagram. Let us see that Facebook video of your darling child happily eating his fresh, organic breakfast while reciting his alphabet in English and Spanish. And please, make sure all of us other mamas do whatever we can to make you feel your absolute best! If only because we know what it is like to feel your absolute worst.
You've got this mama.